BORIS JOHNSON, PRIME MINISTER OF UK: Jean-Claude! Old chum! Old bean! Bonjour, auf wiedersehen, salut and tally ho! Chuffed to meet the Muscles From Brussels at last, big fan of Last Action Hero, and the beer ad – inspired!
JEAN-CLAUDE JUNCKER, PRESIDENT OF EU COMMISSION: I am not Jean-Claude van Damme. Also, I am from Luxembourg.
JOHNSON: Reeeeaally? Fascinating, fascinating. All that karate stuff I swotted up on in the car is of no interest then?
JUNCKER: Not really, no. Also we don't say 'bonjour' in Luxembourg.
JOHNSON: Oh? How do you say hello then?
JOHNSON: Yes, we did that. I'm asking what word you Luxer chaps use to say hello.
JUNCKER: We say hallo.
JOHNSON: I know we're saying hello, cripes you must be more cracked than Gove, HOW YOU SAY HELLO TO BIG WHITE MAN?
JUNCKER: HAL. LO.
JOHNSON [over shoulder to aide]: Can we prorogue him? [to Juncker] Okay, shall we sit, yes? Do you haf person spick Inglis for you?
JUNCKER: I can speak English thank you. Do you? Please, have some tea. Now, I hear you think negotiations are going well.
JOHNSON: BORIS SMASH!
JUNCKER: Only, I am unaware of there being any negotiations. I asked Ireland, and they don't know of any, and Monsieur Barnier says there have been meetings but your man just sits there and does a su doku. With whom have you been negotiating?
JOHNSON: I can see a landing zone! It's looking promising! I sense movement, here we go it's… BIG BORIS SPLASH!
JUNCKER: Please get off me, Mr Johnson. And I'd be grateful if you put your suit back on, I've just had breakfast.
JUNCKER: Now, it seems to me you have mostly been negotiating with Nigel Farage and whatever bits of the Conservative Party have not defected to the Lib Dems. I must warn you, Mr Johnson, that this is the same kind of negotiating which did for your last two prime ministers.
JOHNSON: No, no, because you see they didn't be- LEAVE.
JUNCKER: No, they tried to achieve compromise instead, which is not only vital in all forms of politics but especially important with such a narrow referendum result as you had in 2016.
JOHNSON: I be-leave PASSSIONATELY, d'you see? Be-leave. See what I did there? And I'm PASSIONATE.
JUNCKER: Yes, I have heard the rumours. But believing something very hard does not make it so. There are people who believe the Earth is flat, but it remains a mostly-liquid ball of rock orbiting the Sun.
JOHNSON: Flat, eh? They'll be saying it's carried on the back of a giant turtle next! Anyway, thing is, I know we can reach a deal if you believe, like me, that we can be the best of friends if you make it easier for me destroy my economy, subvert democracy and be World King.
JUNCKER: It is because we are your friend we would rather you did not do those things. Also, because we share a border. I think in your English common law this can be compared to a property boundary, and we need a party wall agreement, in this particular instance one promising to not build a wall, as this would block out your neighbour's light by causing their head to be blown off.
JOHNSON: Well, we can get around that with some technological wizardry in which those who wish to traverse the border file online paperwork for pre-approval and give us their debit card details.
JUNCKER: That would be fine if you wish to have the same system on both sides of the fence. Then I could question only the sanity of a neighbour who wishes to have an invisible fence. But you want after Brexit to have different rules. This will mean a black market in things like meat or medicines, for which there may be big profits to be made by criminal networks, if for example, they can drive some US-chlorinated chicken down the road and pretend it is EU-certified chicken. How will you overcome this?
JOHNSON: Easy. Spot checks.
JUNCKER: Carried out by…?
JOHNSON: Border guards.
JOHNSON: AWAY from the border! That's the whizzy bit, d'you see? Don't need a border, if you check them somewhere else. Ha ha! BoJo does it again!
JUNCKER: So checks that give criminals a chance to add something to the lorry after the checks have been finished?
JUNCKER: And these guards. You are recuiting them in a hurry. Are you sure none of them are linked to criminals?
JUNCKER: And do you think the criminals may have an interest in bribing or blackmailing them? Or kneecapping them? Or giving them punishment beatings?
JOHNSON: Well, that would be against the law.
JUNCKER: Do you think they might wish to ignore the law, like you?
JOHNSON: Look, will you reopen the Withdrawal Agreement?
JOHNSON: Will you *pretend* that you have reopened it?
JOHNSON: Will you confirm that it already says the things I want it to?
JUNCKER: Mr Johnson, it took us three years to write the bloody thing. The best legal experts on both our teams took great care with it. You cannot suddenly tear a page out without rendering the rest irrelevant.
Your best hope is to present this agreement to Parliament and sell it to them better than Theresa May did.
JOHNSON: But they keep on reading it. And I don't have a majority, so at least 10 of my lot who are completely ga-ga will rebel and vote with the other side, and you see that's why we'll be leaving on October 31, deal or no deal.
JUNCKER: No, you won't.
JOHNSON: Yes we will. Nous sommes allez off!
JUNCKER: You won't, Mr Johnson, because a law has been passed against it, because your Parliament is against it, because the majority of people in your country are now against it, and more importantly because there is not a single thing in your life you have ever publicly pledged to do that you have actually done.
JOHNSON: Now hang on… I did rehome a rescue dog…
JUNCKER: You promised to be faithful to your wives, twice. You promised to lie down in front of bulldozers, to not run as MP. You promised to be the best choice for London and then cut youth services across the capital and caused a knife crime epidemic.
Now you have promised to negotiate, and to find a solution, and to die in a ditch! I do not think you will do all that.
JOHNSON: Look, how about you say something positive about bucking the backstop, and we move that paragraph to the vermiform appendix or something, and in fact I can call it an appendix in that it serves no useful purpose anymore but we carry it around anyway, and we'll take it from there?
JUNCKER: And can you get it through Parliament?
JUNCKER: And can you call a general election?
JUNCKER: Then you're the one who's bucked, mon ami. And even if you could do all those things, and managed to Brexit, we still have the rest of Brexit to discuss.
JUNCKER: We must then enter a protracted negotiation about tariffs, free trade, access to the single market, various pan-national regulatory agencies, payments to the EU to facilitate all that, and of course what we must do to control the Northern Irish border without actually controlling it. You see these snails we are eating? You know how they once moved painfully slowly, and now don't move at all? That's your country, that is.
JOHNSON: But… my head… HULK HEAD HURTS.
JUNCKER: And while you're doing all that your economy will continue to suffer from uncertainty. I hope you and I will become good friends over the next decade while our enemies use this to destroy us.
JOHNSON: That sounds like jolly hard work.
JUNCKER: Yes. But you cannot Brexit. You cannot get a majority, you cannot pass laws, you cannot deal with No Deal, and in any event your country cannot cope with these ever-decreasing circles for another decade, by which point your referendum will be democratically null and void, if it isn't already.
Probably the only law you could pass would be to revoke Article 50. I'm sorry, my friend, but I think I would be better off talking to Jo Swinson.
JOHNSON: Boris is not bound by these manacles. I will explode out of them! I always escape, no matter how tight a squeak it seems to be!
*Exits through Boris-shaped hole in the wall, leaving someone else to pick up the tab, the bricks, the laws, and the democratic institutions*
*Juncker does the Nipple Ripple and sips an ice-cold Coors Light*
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